I’m Just a Big Loser

It is not just that I ran for a seat on the Winston-Salem City Council and lost. Or that I ran for Forsyth County Commissioner and lost. It is not that I spent three years on the Recreation and Parks Commission and only missed one meeting (when I was on vacation) and did everything that was required of a good Commissioner and was not reappointed as is the usual case for all other Commissioners. It is not that people I counted as friends turn their backs on me for something of less value than a bologna sandwich. It is not that I can not convince African Americans that our children are not being educated and it is not all the fault of Black Parents. It is not in a City where half the City Council is Black; where Hispanics and Blacks are a majority that makes me a loser, it is my inability to make Negros see that things are worst now than 50 years ago. Back then African Americans could not affect change, but they died trying. Now we are a majority and control political power and our people are worst off than in the Jim Crow Days.

It is not because I am divorced and my marriage and family were the most important things in my life. Or the fact that I put my entire 401K Retirement Savings into Lucent Technologies Stocks and had a chance to get out as a wealth man, instead I got greedy and lost almost every dime. It is not that every time I go to the Doctor’s Office, they find some new problem with my health. It is not that am a Democratic in a City where Blacks and Browns are a majority and vote for Democratic Candidates and receive no benefits or political empowerment. It is not that the Devil and his supporters seem to be successful, happy, rich and defeat me every time I try to do what is right and acceptable to God.

It is because I put everything into God’s hands. I believed and still pray and hope that anything entrusted to Jesus Christ can not be lost. It is because my only son drown after I turned him over the Jesus and prayed daily for his well being. Without my son, there is no family, there is just my two daughters whom I dearly love, but my son is gone into eternity. Will Lucent Stock ever return from $2.00 to $82.00 per Share? Even if I had my wealth back and could enjoy all the things I did when I was 25 years old, would my joy and happiness return also?

I am not Job from the Old Testament of the Bible. Job was innocence, I am guilty. Job kept the faith to the end and was rewarded for his trust in God. My faith is at its weakest point and I do not see how God can return my son or take away his memories so that my heart does not hurt every time I think about him. Job got his money back; do you believe Lucent Technologies will ever recover its value? How can God bring back my family without my only son? Every time I try to do good, evil comes.

At my age, the joy that a woman brings is not what it once was. Do not get me wrong, I still love the ladies, but I use to have a twenty-two automatic rifle and I would shoot until I hit something because I had a pocket full of bullets and I could hunt all day. Now I have a single shot Twelve Gauge Shotgun and I am almost out of shells, so I must make every shoot count. There is no joy or peace in my life. The only thing that makes me a loser is I am convinced that I did the best I could as a Husband, Father, Provider, Friend, Good Citizens and Faithful Christian. To be a Winner, I must learn to suffer; I hope and pray God has mercy on me.